The Condensed Silmarillion
by cheekybeak
Summary: Everything you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. The Silm you read when you are not really reading the Silm. Missing all the boring bits.
1. In which Eru gets Creative

_This is for Ziggy. Because she asked for it and her stories give me so much reading pleasure I figured I should at least try. _  
><em>I don't write so many apologies to all who torture themselves by reading it. <em>  
><em>The good news is there may well only ever be one chapter!<em>

In the beginning Eru created the Valar.

He had time on his hands so he made an awful lot of them.

Unfortunately he failed to foresee that making one God much better than all the other Gods may cause some problems.  
>Eru was very naive.<p>

The Valar liked :  
>Talking in council meetings<br>Singing, (although singing in unison was not their strong point)  
>Meddling in things when they really should leave well enough alone<br>Not meddling in things when it was obvious they really really should!  
>Shiny pretty things<br>And did I mention council meetings?

There are many Valar. Believe me you don't want to know them all.

A rundown of the Major Players. (We will leave the bit parts for the truly dedicated)

Melkor - Doesn't play well with others.  
>Manwe - Overachiever, Teachers Pet<br>Aulë - Good with his hands  
>Yavanna - Green Party president<br>Ulmo- Independant thinker. The only one with any common sense  
>Mandos - Slightly unhealthy occupation with the dead.<br>Tulkas - Warrior Valar, unfortunately tends to turn up late

And just when you get that straight we find out most of them have more than one name.

yeah, get used to that...


	2. Aulë and the Dwarves

Aulë liked to build things. You name it he built it.

But you can have too much of a good thing.

There are only so many mountains you can build before they all start looking the same.

He was lonely, his wife spent her time talking to the flowers.

He decided the best thing to do was to build himself some children to amuse him.

The usual thing to do Aulë , is make the children with your wife. But strangely, despite nearly all of them being married, it seems the Valar weren't really into procreating. I guess we can say thank goodness because then we would have even more of them to deal with.

Aulë had a vague idea that Eru was planning on creating children but what would they look like?

Aulë gave it some thought.

"I know. Eru is sure to be creating short, hairy people, I'll build some too"

Turns out Aulë couldn't have been more wrong. Short and hairy wasn't the way to go. What a surprise.

Unfortunately for Aulë Eru found out and he wasn't best pleased.

Think Aulë, think. He is an all seeing, all knowing creator. Odds are he is going to see you.

How did he ever think he was going to just slip those dwarves into the elves without Eru noticing?

Eru: "What's with that Elf over there? He's very short, and hang on a minute, I think he has a beard? That's not right"

Aulë : " Oh I am not sure my lord. Must be something in the water. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you."

So Eru confiscated the dwarves.

And poor Aulë had to go back to trying to prise Yavanna away from her trees for company.

Actually... That didn't go so well.

Seriously those two need some marriage guidance counselling.

**Authors Note:**

_TolkienScibe: you didn't log in so I could reply to you!,_

_No, I don't write, can't you tell?!_

_This was an accident that kind of developed a mind of its own_.


	3. The Elves

The Elves.

Finally on page 56 after talking about it endlessly Eru creates the Elves.

For those of us who love the elves and not the Valar this was way, way too late.

The Elves are born by the side of a Lake. They love stars and water.

The Elves are naturists.

Also at the beginning it seems they are not all that bright. So they weren't always highly intelligent super beings then, they kept that quiet didn't they.

Remember the Valar love shiny, pretty things? Well the elves are VERY pretty, ( not so sure they were shiny but they do glow so maybe that counts).

The Valar really really want these elves.

But the Valar are lazy. They are Gods, why should they have to travel all the way to Middle-earth to play with these lovely new amusements? That's just not on. The Elves should come to them.

So they do what they do best. They have a council meeting about it.

What a great day for the Valar. New shiny, pretty things AND a council meeting! Could it get any better?

Yes, yes it could ... A council meeting ABOUT shiny, pretty things...Valar Nirvana!

They all want the elves so you would think the council meeting would be brief. But I bet it wasn't.

Mandos points out " Eru wanted the elves to be by this Lake, maybe we should just leave well enough alone"

But the Valar have never been that great at leaving well enough alone when it involves pretty things.

They vote against him,

(and Ulmo, remember Ulmo is the only one with any common sense.)

Actually I have a sneaking suspicion Mandos may have had an ulterior motive. He was God of the dead, right. But no dead at this point. No dead at all.

Bring the Elves to Valinor... Unlikely to die there are they.

Leave them in Middle Earth with Melkor's nasty creatures... Dead, here we come!

For the longest time Mandos must have had absolutely nothing to do, (except keep an eye on Fëanor's Mum, but that's a whole other story).

Oh alright then fair's fair, I guess he had his hands full keeping Melkor locked up for a while!


	4. The Sundering of the Elves

The Sundering of the Elves

The Valar decided to lure the Elves to Valinor. They wanted them to "See the Light."

At first they weren't very successful. You can't really blame the elves for that, after all are any of us thrilled when people come knocking at our doors saying they want to help us See the Light... Most of us end up hiding behind the curtains pretending not to be home.

That's pretty much what the elves did.

So the Valar tried a different tack. They chose the three most gullible elves and TOOK them to see the light.

This was more successful.

So the elves began the long trek to Valinor, it took years. Unfortunately the elves hadn't quite got around to inventing the wheel. This contributed to a rather long trip. If the Valar had been bothered to give them a nudge with their wheel inventing things may have been quicker.

The trip took so long groups of elves kept getting lost along the way.

They were sundered... Poor babies.

And so the Elves ended up looking like this.

The Vanyar

The Vanyar really wanted that Light. They RAN to Valinor so they could beat all the rest, and when they got there nabbed all the best real estate next to the Valar... Location, location, location.

The Vanyar are the popular kids that everyone secretly dislikes.

The Vanyar: Best and Prettiest, Legends in their own Lifetime.

The Noldor.

The Noldor didn't have any Light and so they were rather keen on getting some. They were second to make it to Valinor.

Aulë likes the Noldor. He SAYS it's because they love to build things but I have a sneaking suspicion it's actually because they have no qualms about cutting down Yavanna's trees.

The Noldor: always wanting what they haven't got, ( and believe me this comes back to haunt them before too long!)

The Teleri.

The Teleri missed the boat. I mean, they literally missed the boat.

They took so long to get to the sea, after some scary encounters with immovable mountains and the like, that they were left behind.

They eventually hitched a ride on an island, only to change their minds with sight of Aman. They decided they would rather build boats than See the Light. ( and believe me this would come back to haunt them before too long!)

The Teleri: Indecisive, couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag.

The Sindar:

Half of the Teleri didn't even make it to the sea. Their Lord wandered off and found himself trapped in a cheesy Mills and Boon plot line.

Lost in the forest and enchanted by his one true love,

( Question. Is it really your one true love if she has to cast a spell on you to keep you frozen in one spot with her for years?)

By the time his people found him it was way too late for them to be going anywhere.

The Sindar: Elves most likely to read bad romance novels. But they gave us Legolas so because of that I am prepared to forgive all the Sindars faults.

The Nandor/ Silvan:

Teleri who got so put off by the Misty Mountains they gave up on the whole Valinor idea. New age tree huggers, I bet Yavanna loved these guys. If Aulë had bothered to ask her to help in his child-making she would have come up with the Silvans.

Silvans: So much more interesting than the Noldor! ( Feonorians excepted of course).

The Avari:

When the Valar came knocking at the Avari's door all they found was a large " Door to Door Salesman not welcome " sign. They thought the Valar could take their light and shove it. The lake and the stars were all they wanted.

The Avari: They knew what they liked and they liked what they knew. The Valar could go jump. ( perhaps the Avari were the most clued up after all )


	5. The Fins

The Fins.

When Tolkien liked a name he REALLY liked a name. I mean he just could not let it go.

Arador, Arathorn, Aragorn

Elrond, Elros, Elladan, Elrohir ( I am forever surprised Arwen wasn't called Eloise... or even just Ellen. I guess she went on to have Eldarian though, you know, carry on the family tradition)

This is the story of the Fins. A name so loved by Tolkien he even gave some poor elves 2 Fins, just shove as many Fins in as you can seemed to be his motto.

Finwë:

Finwë started off the whole Fin business. High King of the Noldor. The grass was always greener on the other side for Finwë and so he dragged his people to Valinor.

Finwë had two wives, This caused him so much trouble no Noldor elf has ever dared to go there since.

Elf no. 1: "oh I like the look of that Elleth, maybe I should get me another wife"

Elf no.2: " Mate, don't do that Remember Finwë !"

Elf no.1: " Damn, you're right, walking away from the Elleth. Walking slowly away from the Elleth..."

Unfortunately Finwë came to a sticky end, courtesy of Morgoth.

Fingolfin:

The first double Fin. Second son of Finwë. Had a few issues with his older brother Fëanor. Not the healthiest sibling relationship in the world.

Followed Fëanor round like a puppy, even when he got sand kicked in his face for doing so. Could have benefited from not being quite so forgiving.

Ended up High King of the Noldor, surprise gift from Maedhros. You can almost hear Fingolfin thinking " how the hell did this happen?"

Fingolfin came to a very sticky end, courtesy of Morgoth. What a shame Thorondor the eagle couldn't be bothered to arrive until AFTER Fingolfin was dead. You might have been a bit more helpful if you got there earlier Thorondor, just saying.

Finarfin:

Another double Fin. Honestly Finwë used up what little naming creativity he had with Fëanor. He didn't even pretend to bother with these other two.

Finarfin was Finwë's youngest son. A bit of a mummies boy. He was going to leave Valinor but changed his mind at the last minute and stayed home instead. Had Golden hair, probably his most impressive characteristic. That pretty much sums up Finarfin.

He did give Middle-earth Galadriel so I guess we should thank him for that, ( though Oropher and Thranduil may disagree with me )

Learning from his elders mistakes Finarfin did his best to avoid Morgoth so no sticky end for him.

Fingon:

Fingolfins son. (Fingolfin obviously inherited his gift with names from his father.)

Fingon was brave and valiant, also I have a sneaking suspicion he had a bit of a thing for Maedhros but let's keep that on the down low because the Valar wouldn't approve.

Fingon and Maedhros were Tolkien's first bromance, and man did he write a lot of those.

Fingon liked to wear pretty things in his hair, ( more evidence on the Maedhros front I am afraid)

Thankfully Fingon had the commonsense to name his son Gil-galad ( well maybe he was his son, depends who you talk too ) thus saving readers from further torture remembering which Fin is which.

Fingon came to a very very sticky end, courtesy of Morgoth ( and a Balrog).

Finrod:

Finrod was the son of Finarfin.

Finrod was a nice guy, very friendly, everybody liked him. He obviously wasn't that keen on his name because every time he met someone new he would ask them to call him something different.

Unluckily for Finrod he didn't learn from his cousins that making a vow can come back to bite you if you're not careful, made the mistake of getting enmeshed in the disaster of Beren's love life and didn't live to tell the tale.

Finrod lost in the Battle of the Bands to Sauron of all people. Seriously who in their right mind voted for Sauron instead of him?

Finrod came to a very heroic but very, very, very sticky end courtesy of Morgoth, ( and a werewolf) Anyone else seeing a pattern here?

Bonus for Finrod. Mandos liked him, it pays to be likeable, so Finrod won a round ticket back to Valinor, hooked up with Amarië, who he had ditched to go to Middle-earth (wasn't she patient and tolerant), and probably lives happily ever after with lots of baby Fins that thankfully we don't have to keep track of.

Here ends the tale of the Fins

Apart from Findis... And Finduilas...and GlorFINdel...

Honestly Tolkien, enough is enough, let it go...let it go.


	6. Fëanor: Problem Child

Fëanor: Problem Child

Fëanor had issues. Oh he had SO many issues.

Product of a broken home, never bonded with his stepmother. She probably didn't like him much to be honest, being Stepmum to a child genius must be challenging.

Can you imagine the grief Fëanor got in the school yard. Only Elfling EVER to come from a blended family!

Fëanor had two half brothers, ( and two half sisters but they are girls so, you know, Tolkien pretty much ignored them) As you would expect from a messed up kid with behavioural problems he didn't get on with his brothers. In fact he created the first swords just so he could threaten to kill one of them.

Hmm maybe it is just as well the Valar dragged the elves out of Middle-earth. No weapons? After this long? They wouldn't have had a chance with Melkor. What would they have done, offered him flowers and hoped he had hayfever?

Fëanor's Mum: First ever Elleth to have postnatal depression she ditched him to hang out with Mandos.

Mandos... Got a bone to pick with you about this one. Could you not have just given her a lecture about her responsibilities and sent her back? You sent back Glorfindel, so why not her?

I think Mandos was so excited to see a dead person finally in his halls he just couldn't let her go.

Against all odds Fëanor found someone to love him, ( although he stuffed that up too in the end). Nerdanel, who apparently was the only one who could keep him under control. Perhaps she withheld something to make him behave, ( although she didn't withhold it all that much because they had 7 sons. )

Fëanor had to do everything better than anyone else including procreating.

The sons of Fëanor are kind of important. Better give you a run down.

Maedhros : had very pretty hair. Proof ginger CAN be gorgeous! ( full disclosure here, I have a weak spot for Maedhros )

Maglor: the musical one, If the Feanorians were the Jackson Five Maglor would be Michael, ( young Michael that is, not Michael with issues) ...The Feanorian Seven... Kind of catchy really.

Celegorm: could talk to animals, Dr Doolittle of Middle earth. Even had a talking a dog called Huan who he really should have spent more time listening to.

Caranthir: The baddie. Got all of his fathers temper and not much to make up for that. Spends his time mooching round in the background making Maedhros's life more difficult. ( so NOT my favourite then)

Curafin: Fëanor's favourite, so he gave him the same name - just so it would be obvious to all the rest who it was Fëanor really liked. Not a very pleasant kind of chap. We do need to know him though... Father of Celebrimbor ( and we all know who Celebrimbor is don't we.) For those shocking people who don't here's a hint, he liked making jewellery

Amrod and Amras : Weird Twins who called each other by the same name. Since this is the Silmarillion they wandered around joined at the hip for the entirety . If you read one of the other books it's all completely different.

What else is there to say about the first juvenile delinquent of the Noldor?

Ah Fëanor , It was always bound to end badly.

**Author Note:**

I had a few people point out to me after the last chapter that Fëanor's Father name was actually Curufinwe making him a Fin too, and some were guests so I couldn't reply...

that was a deliberate decision on my part sorry, because I didn't want Fëanor to be just one other Fin in a pile of Fins! If you look closely there is actually a round-about reference to him being called Curufinwe in this chapter.

...and Curufinwe is still much more creative than Fingolfin and Finarfin don't you think?


	7. The Silmarils

The Silmarils

Just realised I have forgotten to tell you about the Silmarils...woops, my bad, because they are really kind of important.

After making the Palantiri, inventing weapons and devising a new writing system Feanor turned his hand to jewellery making.

That's the problem with these elves being immortal, they just have too much time on their hands.

"What is there a market for in Valinor." He wondered. The elves were obsessed by light, the Valar by shiny pretty things so he combined them to make shiny pretty things filled with light. Covered all his bases.

He made the Silmarils easily enough but then he needed the light.

First he headed for Galadriel. He hated her and hated her father but apparently not seeing that as a problem he fronted up to her door demanding her hair.

Oh Fëanor, you really have no clue do you.

Guess what. She said no.

She says that was because she knew that he was evil but I think it was more like she knew that he was better than her. If there was one thing Galadriel hated it was anyone being better than her.

That's why she hung round middle-earth for so long. She had to wait till everyone else had gone so she could finally say she was the best.

Can you imagine how furious Fëanor must have been when he found out later Galadriel ended up giving her hair to a dwarf! But you see she KNEW Gimli wasn't better than her. Should have played dumb Fëanor, ( or grown a beard).

So Fëanor moved on. He sneaked up to Yavanna's special trees and stole ( I mean acquired) his light from there.

Note to the Valar, if there was one thing, ONE thing that you should not have done it was hallow the Silmarils. But oh no, they were shiny and pretty and you just couldn't help yourselves could you.

Which brings us on to our next chapter in which the Valar are incredibly stupid... I mean more stupid than usual... I mean, do they even have one brain cell to share between them, kind of stupid.


	8. The Darkening of Valinor

The Darkening of Valinor

Otherwise known as:

Exactly how Stupid ARE the Valar?

In which the Valar make a large number of mistakes, let's count them shall we.

Shortly after the elves showed up the Valar decided they really should stop wallowing and make an effort to deal with Melkor.

So they went to Middle-earth fought him and captured him. (see guys you could have done that ages ago)

They threw him in Mandos's deepest darkest dungeon. I imagine Mandos wasn't that happy about that.

Mandos: These are the Halls of the Dead and he is not dead so not my problem.

Manwë: Listen Mandos, you have spent years lazing around doing nothing while we all work our butts off. It's about time you pulled your weight. He is coming to you, end of story.

Eventually Melkor came up before the parole board and what did the Valar do?

They. Let. Him. Go.

I repeat... They let him go.

Mistake no. 1.

Apparently Manwë wasn't evil and therefore couldn't tell that Melkor WAS.

Hello Manwë, how about the subtle hint that from the word go he has destroyed everything you guys have ever made?

When he got out he was supposed to be on house arrest. That lasted 5 minutes then they let him amble around chatting to random elves.

Mistake no. 2

They let him spend time with Fëanor, the problem child, of all people

Mistake no. 3

They let him wander and hook up with a giant evil spider

Mistake no. 4

Actually they had a giant evil spider living down the road and didn't even know it! How could they not know this?

Mistake no. 5

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, these are the guys who while they were living in their summer house in Middle-earth, didn't notice Melkor building a large underground fortress

Mistake no. 6.

Then when they captured Melkor they didn't bother searching his large underground fortress where Sauron was hiding out

Mistake no. 7. ... Are you guys keeping up? It gets worse.

They chose the worst possible time to call Fëanor and Fingolfin together for some kind of family intervention. Too little too late guys.

Mistake no. 8.

When Melkor showed up Giant spider in tow, killing Finwë and stealing the Silmarils they didn't even know he was coming

Mistake no. 9.

They let him walk right up to Yavanna's precious trees and destroy them

Mistake no. 10

They let Melkor escape to Middle-earth and decided not to go after him

Mistake no. 11

Then when all was in chaos, Fëanor was roaming the wilds in soul destroying grief and the Noldor were plunged into scary darkness just waiting for someone to come along and work them all up into a state so they could do something foolish what did the Valar do?

Did they go down to the elves, make them feel better, say "don't worry we will sort this out for you." NO

Did they go out and find Fëanor, (or even just his sons) say "sorry about your Dad. What can we do to help?" NO

Arrange some kind of war party and go to deal with Melkor once and for all? ...well, NO

They sat.

They sat in darkness

They sat in darkness for a long long time

Are we sure these people are actually Gods?


	9. The Oath of Feanor

The Oath of Fëanor

Moral of the story: Don't do it.

Message to Fëanor .

Swearing oaths to chase after inanimate objects to the death is foolish.

Swearing oaths to Eru a god you are going to be unable to chat to when you change your mind is also ill advised.

Encouraging your sons to swear oaths to chase after inanimate objects to the death is possibly one of the worst parenting decisions ever.

Perhaps taking some time out for a nice cup of tea and a lie down to calm your nerves may have been a better way to go.

Message to the Valar.

Sitting in the dark sulking when an evil Valar ,(who YOU let out of a perfectly safe prison) and a giant evil spider destroy your trees is about as infantile as you can get.

Leaving frightened and grief stricken elves on their own to sort out your problems for you is beyond irresponsible.

Perhaps getting off your backsides and doing something about the mess you made instead of having a tantrum in the corner would have been a better way to go.

Message to Eru.

Where were you?


	10. The Kinslaying ( no 1)

The Kinslaying (no. 1)

So Fëanor was off to reclaim the Silmarils with Fingolfin and Finarfin trailing reluctantly behind him.

Meanwhile the Valar were...

Well they were still in the dark. Sitting. Sulking.

Except according to them they were " thinking". Thinking about the beginning of time.

Not that appropriate guys, possibly better to save your reminiscing for when your pretty elves aren't in the middle of a political crisis.

Off march Fëanor and co, off to Middle-earth.

Eventually they come face to face with a small problem. One they hadn't anticipated. Fëanor you are supposed to be intelligent. You should have seen this coming.

The Sea.

Fëanor : " You mean we can't just walk to Middle-earth?"

No Fëanor, you can't.

Luckily for the Noldor the Teleri were there with their boats to save them.

Unluckily for the Noldor the Teleri didn't quite get why they would want to leave.

Luckily for the Noldor they had Fëanor, most charismatic elf ever created to argue their cause.

Unluckily for the Noldor the Teleri decided some time ago they preferred boats to "The Light" ( yes they had actually managed to make a decision and even Fëanor - Problem Child couldn't change their minds on this one.)

Luckily for the Noldor Fëanor had recently created weapons. This should scare off the Teleri.

Unluckily for the Noldor the Teleri obviously didn't know what weapons were so didn't know they should be scared.

Unluckily for the Teleri, Fëanor decided to demonstrate how swords work.

Unluckily for the Noldor, Fëanor decided to demonstrate how swords work.

Note to Tolkien: Did you forget the Teleri had no swords?

End result: A Mess.

Unluckily for the Noldor Manwë FINALLY decided to send a messanger.

Unluckily for the Noldor Fëanor told the messanger to get lost.

Unluckily for the Noldor Mandos took offence and cursed them.

At this point Finarfin decided he had had enough of being unlucky and went home to Mummy.

Possibly everyone else would have been better off if they had joined him.

Unluckily for the Noldor, they didn't.


	11. The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon:Pt 1

The Sad tale of Maedhros and Fingon.

Part 1

Maedhros and Fingon had a thing for each other.

Well Tolkien doesn't actually say so in as many words but reading between the lines...you know... It's pretty obvious.

.

Actually they were SO keen on each other they managed to stick together despite such minor inconveniences as Maedhros's Dad threatening to kill Fingon's Dad right in the middle of Town.

Yes these guys were seriously devoted. Nothing was going to keep them apart especially the fact their Fathers had serious longstanding problems getting on.

Sadly but not surprisingly I am not sure their fathers were all that keen on the idea of their sons getting it together.

Oooh it's beginning to sound like Romeo and Juliet!

Romeo and Juliet the Middle-earth version,

With two guys,

Who were both elves,

So a bit different then.

But back to the story...

When their Dads both decided to go off to Middle-earth hunting Silmarils Maedhros and Fingon tagged along... Hoping it might give them a better chance to spend time together probably, you know while their respective Fathers were distracted by Kinslaying and Silmaril chasing.

Sadly it didn't quite work out that way.

Fëanor had managed to get his hands on the ships, finally they were off to Middle-earth.

"Yay" thought Maedhros " At last! Fingon and I can shack up on a ship together, how romantic!"

No such luck. Fëanor was obviously on to them. He frogmarched Maedhros onto a ship and sailed off in to the sunset leaving Fingon way behind.

Poor Maedhros. Poor Fingon.

When they made it to the other side Maedhros still hadn't worked it out...

Maedhros "Dad, you are going to send the ships back for Fingon, right?"

Fëanor. " No chance son. No son of mine is carrying on with any son of Fingolfin's. Not in my lifetime, ( and I am immortal remember)"

And he burned all the ships to the ground. Kind of extreme but he obviously felt rather strongly about his sons romantic dalliances .

So Maedhros and Fingon were parted. Maedhros in Middle-earth and Fingon in Aman with the sea (or a huge iceshelf no one had ever survived crossing) between them.

Talk about star crossed lovers.

It's a tragedy.

Hint: if your having some kind of secret fling, your Dads can't get on and the pair of them are going off on a foolish quest maybe you would be better off staying behind. You might have more luck being together that way.


	12. The Valar do Something

The Valar Do Something.

Yes you heard me right.

Once they realised Fëanor actually had sailed off to Middle Earth despite them not talking to him sulking didn't seem that effective.

"maybe we should do something?" They said.

Hmm...

The large majority of the Noldor have run away.

The large majority of the Teleri are dead

Melkor and the giant spider are now camping out in Middle-earth

It doesn't take a genius to work out what is going to happen to the Teleri and the Avari who live there, (apparently without swords)

Maybe you SHOULD do something, maybe you should have done something three chapters ago.

They briefly toy with going back to fight with Melkor ( actually thanks to Fëanor he's suddenly called Morgoth from now on) but Manwë rejects that idea.

He has heard Men may be showing up and they are so fragile he is worried they all might die of fright if the Valar were to start a fight there.

Let's look at this logically Manwë ,

you go back, they may die of fright.

You don't, they die of Morgoth

Which is preferable I wonder?

Sounds like a pretty bad excuse to me.

The Valar decide to send a pretty, shiny gift instead.

The sun ...

And the moon.

Hang on a minute, are you telling us the elves in Middle earth have spent all this time in the dark?

Why Eru why? Did you miss that off your "what to put in the newly created world" list?

Suddenly it all becomes clear. No WONDER the elves were so so keen to "see the light" because they had none. None at all.

Of course true to form the Valar didn't actually ask the elves if they wanted a sun. I am sure the Noldor would have been quite keen but what about the poor Teleri and Avari happily living away, minding their own business in the dark.

Imagine their surprise when they got up one day and wow, There was the sun. Bit of a shock really. Suddenly they could see each other. Just as well they were all beautiful or it may not have been a very pleasant experiance.

After sending off their generous gift the Valar felt vindicated.

"See we did something " they said and then promptly went and hid themselves behind mountain ranges and enchanted clouds so nobody, nobody at all could ever find them again.

So helpful Valar, so helpful.

But really, what else did we expect?


	13. Men

Men

Remember way back when Eru unfortunately created a whole lot of problems because he made Melkor better than any of the other gods?

Turns out he didn't learn anything. You know, that having one person "better" than other people is not the way to go.

He had the elves, now he decided to create more children. "Men".

But he made them live not as long, look not as pretty, be not as smart, as the elves.

Eru! For goodness sake, you can't possibly be that dumb.

How do you NOT think there will be problems because of this?

At least the bonus (for the men) was that the Valar left them well and truly alone. They just weren't pretty or shiny enough. The Valar weren't going to have any of those ugly men in Valinor...ever.

There were a lot of men.

Their names all tended to sound the same.

They were generally very miserable.

Probably because they knew they were just not as good.

Can we get back to the Elves now?


	14. It all Goes Wrong

It all goes Wrong.

Back to Fëanor and co.

Turns out burning the ships was not such a great idea, and not just because it destroyed Maedhros's love life.

Morgoth spotted them.

If you want to draw attention to yourself Fëanor, lighting a massive bonfire is the way to do it.

Morgoth sent out his army, ( hang on a minute how did he get an army, he has only been there 5 minutes? ... Don't ask, it's a long story involving Valar ineptitude.)

They fought.

The elves won.

Fëanor got carried away- a slight weakness of his.

He went after Morgoth on his own.

It didn't go well.

Gothmog the Balrog had a go at him.

End of Fëanor.

Wait! You mean to say after reading all this way, having bonded with Fëanor, become invested in his quest, he goes and dies after 5 seconds in middle earth?

What happened Tolkien? Did you get bored with him?

That sucks because we didn't.

Fëanor was sent to Mandos's halls without any supper for eternity. Poor Mandos, his hands full dealing with the chaos resulting from the kinslaying and Fëanor turns up. I bet that didn't help matters any.

Mandos: " right everybody line up. Tell me how you got here."

Elf no. 1:" Fëanor killed me at Alqualondë

Elf no 2: " Fëanor killed me Alqualondë

Elf no. 3: One of Fëanor's sons killed me at Alqualondë

Elf no. 4: " I am Fëanor"

Mandos: " Aarrgh! Damn it Manwë, come out from behind those mountains and help me deal with this nightmare!"

I guess this meant Fëanor finally got some family bonding time with his Mum though. About time too!


	15. And then it Gets Even Worse

**Authors Note:** Credit to Peter Jackson and Gandalf for some of the dialogue!

And Then It Gets Even Worse.

The sons of Fëanor were understandably upset at his demise. Especially since he magically turned into a pile of ash. You can see how that could be quite catastrophic, seeing your Dad crumple into an ash pile for no good reason.

They were just wondering what to do next, as this wasn't really in the script, when Morgoth sent them a letter.

"Sons of Fëanor ,

sorry about your Dad. How about we meet for a chat to sort everything out. It is a shame this has got out of hand.

Love Morgoth.

P.s. Don't bring anyone with you, promise I won't do anything."

Maedhros: "well I guess that means me. I'll be off then. At least it will give me something to do to take my mind off Fingon"

Brothers: "But what if it's a trap!"

Maedhros: " It's undoubtably a trap... But seriously, do you think I am a total idiot? I'll take an army with me."

Sadly Morgoth was also not a total idiot. He bought an army with him too.

His army had Balrogs.

Maedhros's army had elves.

You don't have to be a brain scientist to work out what happened next.

Yes they captured Maedhros.

They took him away and did unspeakable things to him.

No I am not going to go in to detail. They were unspeakable remember.

In the end they chained him to a cliff and worst of all...cut off his beautiful hair!

Oh my poor Maedhros, forced to have a bowl cut.

And I think we will leave things there for now.

Yes that's right. It's a cliffhanger. (literally!)


	16. Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon Pt 2A

The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon

Part Two (A)

Woe is us. Maedhros has been captured and is hanging from a cliff. Who will save him?

Not his brothers that's for sure. They spend their time doing a really good impression of the Valar, talking and arguing about what to do but actually doing nothing.

But...just when all hope is lost...Fingon strolls into camp. Looking a bit skinnier since he has just spent years crossing the Helcaraxë but still glorious, ( obviously)

Fingon: " Where is Maedhros? I have fought my way across the ice just to see him!

Brothers: " umm... Yeah about that... "

Well Fingon wasn't about to let something as small as a powerful evil Valar come between him and his love. He had crossed the uncrossable Helcaraxë, he could get Maedhros back from Morgoth.

Such a sweetie!

Can you imagine Fëanor's frustration while watching in the Halls of Mandos...

Fëanor: " NO Maglor! Do not let Fingolfin's son rescue your brother. I burnt all those ships for nothing! ...sigh...this is hopeless, Fingolfin will never manage to keep those two apart now."

Maybe that is how Mandos and the Valar got their revenge on Fëanor. Making him watch his sons mess things up while he was powerless on the sidelines,

" Maedhros, Don't go and talk to Morgoth!"

" Maglor, stop arguing and go after your brother!"

" Maedhros, why on earth are you making Fingofin High King?!"

" Maedhros, don't let Morgoth make you late to important battles"

"Celegorm, don't imprison Thingols daughter, you are making yourself look completely crazy!"

" NO, Do not do another Kinslaying. That whole demonstrating the swords to the Teleri was just a big misunderstanding!"

" Maedhros! Are you listening to me AT ALL?,"

But leaving Fëanor fuming in frustration,

Back to Fingon the Valiant. If you are going on an expedition into lands of evil you need to pack carefully which is just what Fingon did.

Fingon: " Right, off to Angband, what shall I take? Sword? Definitely. Lembas? Oh yes, I need to put on a bit of weight so starving won't do. Harp? You bet!"

Hold on Fingon. What did you say?... Harp?

You are going on a desperate search and rescue mission to a land full of evil in the middle of some volcanoes and you take your harp?

Obviously crossing the Helcaraxë has had some unforeseen mental health side effects.

And so Fingon the Valiant and Ever So Slightly Odd set off.

Travelling light, ( except for the harp) to rescue his cousin.

Good luck with that Fingon.

I have to say I am beginning to have some doubts on the likelihood of success here.


	17. Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon : Pt 2B

The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon : Part Two ( B)

We left Fingon, the Valiant and Ever So Slightly Odd on his way to rescue Maedhros.

He went at night under cover of darkness, a good idea as he was going to a place crawling with Orcs, Balrogs and other fell creatures of evil.

He struggled and toiled and succeeded in climbing through mountains, using his elvish stealth to protect him from discovery. Well done Fingon, so far so good.

After hours of this he decided to rest. Being stealthy is very wearying you know. So he stopped, " This is the perfect place" he said " for a sing a long"

I did tell you he was not quite right in the head.

He whipped out his harp and sang...very loudly... Because that is what you do after having spent hours avoiding discovery.

Maedhros, hanging on the cliff, heard him.

Maedhros: "For gods sake Fingon. Why don't you just hold up a sign saying here I am , shoot me?! I am in love with an idiot!,"

Still he joined in the sing a long, what choice did he have really, he sung very loudly also, probably hoping he could stop the orcs from hearing Fingon, and Fingon found him.

And strangely none of the orcs ever did notice Fingon. Go figure. Maybe they are tone deaf.

But Maedhros was high up on a cliff, Fingon couldn't reach him.

Fingon: " Maedhros I can't reach you, unfortunately I had to leave my rope behind so I could fit in the harp"

Maedhros: "Shoot me then, and make it quick. I really don't want to hang around here for much longer."

Alas Fingon would have to kill his love to save him. Can it get more heart breaking and tragic than this?

But... Don't start the crying just yet...all is not lost...

"What?" You say, "What can save him when all hope is gone?"

We are in Middle Earth here remember and who is it that spends their time waiting for drastic situations so they can swoop in and claim all the glory.

Every. Single. Time.

You got it, scene stealing, glory robbing Giant Eagles. Thorondor if you really wanted to help you could have flown Fingon there in the first place, or one of the brothers years ago for that matter but no you just had to wait until you could do something dramatic and be noticed. Nobody likes a show off.

So the Eagle flies in. They grab Maedhros and run, unfortunately leaving his hand behind, and they all live happily ever after.

Well no, this is the Silmarillion, sadly there is no happily ever after for Maedhros and Fingon.

In fact there is no happily ever after for ANYONE in this book,

except for the wonderful Beren and Luthien...

Major sarcasm there in case you didn't notice. Beren and Luthien are in fact a pair of major troublemakers. Why it is they are the only ones who get a happy ever after is beyond me. Their son was a spoilt brat and their granddaughter ...well don't get me started. We will leave that for another day!


	18. Thingol

Thingol

Before the Noldor so rudely arrived to spoil his fun Thingol was pretty much the big man of Middle Earth.

He shacked up with a Maia

He lived in a magic forest his wife protected for him, (now that's not very manly).

He had a beautiful daughter everyone wanted.

He cultivated this lovely special glow because he had "seen the light" in Valinor and no one else had.

He was NOT very happy when a bunch of upstart Noldor who had all "seen the light" as well arrived on his shores. How could he be special now?

He did not like them. He would not even meet them. They certainly were not allowed in his magic forest... So there.

Reluctantly he let Finarfins kids in. He wasn't very pleased about it but they were half Teleri so he would have looked really bad if he hadn't.

He definitely wouldn't go to Fingolfin's big elf party. They could all have fun without him. He really was a grumpy old man.

Finarfin's kids did their best to win him round. They told him all about the Noldor and how lovely they were, (somehow the Kinslaying just slipped their mind. They forgot to tell him that...ah I am sure it was unimportant anyway)

Galadriel had a great time staying with Uncle Thingol. She hooked up with Celeborn and there she stayed, ( And getting to hang out with Melian the Maia practicing her wiseness had nothing to do with it. Uh huh Galadriel, I'm sure it didn't!)

Finrod on the other hand wasn't that happy there. He went on a camping trip with his buddy Turgon, brother of Fingon. They had a great time. Unfortunately too much of a great time. They camped out at a river, obviously had a bit too much to drink and proceeded to both have hallucinogenic nightmares. They were a bit embarrassed by this so didn't tell each other but slunk off in different directions the next morning.

Exactly what DID they get up to together that night?

Finrod was so traumatised by whatever went on with Turgon he went and hid in a large underground cave. Changed his name and hung out with Dwarves who gave him pretty jewellery.

It's ok Finrod. We all know that feeling when you wake up the Morning After thinking "what have I done." You could have just kept your fling with Turgon on the down low. Possibly shacking up with a crowd of dwarves while wearing jewellery is slightly more incriminating!

Poor Finrod. He really went off the rails.

Finrod named his cave Nargothrond. Galadriel went to visit him but even she couldn't prise him away from there.

She asked him why he wasn't married, typical nosy little sister. Maybe even pointed out to him his options were pretty limited while spending his time with dwarves.

Finrod panicked and blurted out a prophecy about making an oath and not being able to provide for a son.

You could have handled this question better Finrod. For example, " Mind your own business Galadriel" would have been a more appropriate and not quite so depressing answer.

And also a lesson Galadriel could well do with learning. Minding her own business was not her strong point.


	19. Gondolin

Gondolin.

Now Finrod wasn't the only one traumatised by the " Turgon By the River" incident. It turns out Turgon was pretty messed up by it as well, although I suppose for him we better call it the "Finrod by the River " incident.

Guys, guys, it's really not that bad. Don't you know Maedhros and Fingon have been carrying on together for years ?

He went searching the lands for a place to hide out afterwards eventually finding a little hidden niche in some mountains that only the Eagles knew about. Don't be expecting any help from them Turgon... Not unless it is dramatic and will make them look good. Even then there is a good chance they will turn up late.

" Right" said Turgon. " I think I will build a secret city here."

Take note everybody. Apart from whatever it was went down by the river this is possibly the most exciting thing Turgon will ever do!

It took Turgon 52 years to build the city and somehow no one noticed he was doing it. 52 years... They never once asked any questions, like where have all the highly skilled builders disappeared to? I guess we can say when he was dividing up the people Fingolfin gave Turgon all the unobservant ones. Maybe so they wouldn't notice he was a particularly tedious elf.

When the 52 years were up Turgon and his people just disappeared.

One at a time,

and no one asked where they went,

or tried to search for them,

or even seemed remotely bothered by this.

Maybe they were just all glad Turgon wasn't around to bore them at council meetings any more?

Come on Fingolfin. I know Fingon is the brave, heroic and good looking one who gets all the attention and has a Feanorian boyfriend but you do have a second son remember.

I really do think you should have at least pretended to look for him.


	20. Hunting for a Man

Hunting For a Man.

Fingon and Turgon had a sister.

She was a bit of a feminist. Anything the boys could do she thought she could do better.

She was wrong on that count.

Somehow she ended up being shunted off to Gondolin with Big brother Turgon. I think Fingolfin thought shutting her up in a secret city which no one was allowed to leave was the perfect solution. Turgon may have had other ideas, he drew the short straw on that one.

Anyone with half a brain could see Aredhel would get bored. Gondolin just didn't do it for her. Gondolin was never going to do it for her. I honestly don't know what Fingolfin was thinking, ( actually I do know exactly what he was thinking..." She'll get bored and cause trouble but at least I won't be around to have to deal with it")

She went to Turgon and asked if she could leave. I don't know why she bothered asking because when he said she couldn't she pretty much ignored him anyway.

In the end he got sick of her nagging him about it and said " Yes you can go but only if you go to see Fingon.

Go to Fingon. Go directly to Fingon. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200"

Let's face it Turgon was just trying to make sure Fingon had as miserable a time as he did. I can just imagine how happy Fingon was to get the message Aredhel was on her way.

Of course Aredhel wasn't going to go anywhere her brother told her to and as soon as she escaped the city headed off to visit the Feanorians. They were so much more exciting you know.

She ended up at Celegorms place. I think she had a bit of a crush on him. Celegorm obviously didn't feel the same way. He heard she was there and went into hiding. There was no way he was going home while Aredhel was there.

She waited. And waited. And waited. She just didn't get the message.

He doesn't like you that way Aredhel. He probably prefers his dog to be honest. The dog is much more agreeable. I bet Fingon has been complaining to Maedhros about what a pain in the butt his little sister is and Maedhros has warned his brother off.

I would.

If I were Maedhros.

Maedhros: " honestly Celegorm, I'm serious. Stay away from her "

Celegorm: " but she's really kind of pretty and you have to admit it would be a great political match"

Maedhros: " look, Fingon says she is an absolute nightmare. Just don't go there!"

Celegorm: " it's alright for you to say. You know there is an extreme lack of high born Elleth available for all of us and you have managed to snap up the most desirable Prince. What are we supposed to do?"

Maedhros: " well I guess there is always Finrod..."

Celegorm: " Brother. That's not very helpful, last I heard he was into Dwarves!"

Eventually it became obvious even to Aredhel that Celegorm just was never coming home. She had to admit defeat and go and try to find another guy to catch. One who hadn't heard of her reputation to be problematic.

Given the fact she was Fingolfin's daughter so all his people knew about her and Maedhros had obviously warned Fëanorian's near and far plus Thingol wouldn't let her anywhere near his magic forest Her chances of finding anyone seemed remote in the extreme!

Still, good luck in the wilds...

Run Eöl Run!


	21. Teenagers, Who'd Have 'em

**Authors Note:**

_Just to be clear. The relationship of Aredhel and Eöl is the version told in the Silmarillion since this is a Silmarillion parody. NOT the one in " The History of Middle Earth" I am aware that in the Histoy of Middle Earth Tolkien puts a whole different light on them._

_But this is the Silmarilion _

_I see Aredhel as a strong, independant, stubborn woman in a society of sexist men who wanted her to be docile and well behaved. I don't see her relationship with Eöl as written in the Silm as an abusive one, at least not initially though Eöl lost it a bit at the end. It is certainly not written that way in the Silmarilion and she loved him enough to plead for his life at the end. That's the context this is written in. _

_I figure if I can make fun of Fingon being stomped to death by a Balrog, or Finrod being chewed up and spat out by a werewolf... Then I can point out the fact Aredhel was a hard to control Dynamo who scared men witless too... _

Teenagers...Who'd have Em?

Remember when the Valar decided to give the Elves the lovely present of a Sun and Moon without asking if they wanted them?

Remember how some of the Elves maybe weren't that keen on the idea.

Eöl was one of those Elves.

He didn't like the Sun or the moon. He much preferred the stars he had grown up under.

In the end he went to live in a forest so Dark and dense neither sun or moonlight could get through. Unfortunately this would mean he couldn't see the stars either so I am not sure exactly how successful the whole idea was for him.

Still he seemed happy enough hiding away there. He was big on making things, especially black things. Let's face it, Eöl was a Goth. He lived an alternative elf lifestyle.

One day everything changed for Eöl. Aredhel, on her search for a man...any man, stumbled into his forest. Because Eöl had kept himself to himself her reputation did not proceed her.

He thought she was quite nice.

She thought he was a man who didn't run away when he saw her.

One thing led to another and they got married.

All went well for a bit and they even had a baby but it was too good to last. Eventually Aredhel got bored, ( what a surprise!) She wanted Eöl to change. To leave his dark forest and stop wearing his black clothes.

Basic Relationship advice Aredhel. Marrying someone thinking you can change them never, never works. No matter how desperate you are.

Basic Relationship advice Eöl. She insists on only wearing white. Did that not ring some warning bells? That thing about opposites attracting...well it only goes so far.

Eöl and Aredhel's baby was a boy.

He caused Eöl some problems from the start because he just couldn't decide on a name. He got all the baby name books out of the Library but nothing seemed to fit. It took him years to decide what he wanted. Years during which I guess his son was just called Baby Boy Eöl . Which would cause problems don't you think?

Eventually Eöl decided on Maeglin. I am sure Maeglin was just pleased his Dad had finally made his mind up.

Eöl and Maeglin got on fine to start with. They used to participate in that well known Elf recreational pursuit of dwarf visiting together and Eöl taught Maeglin all about making black things. They made many many black things.

But Maeglin grew up. He turned into a moody, ungrateful, and uncooperative teenager who hated Dad and all Dad stood for. I bet he spent all day in his room playing heavy metal elf music on his harp very loudly.

Unfortunately Aredhel didn't help the situation She and Eöl didn't exactly present a united front.

She told Maeglin all about Gondolin and Turgon and How much BETTER they were than Boring old Dad. Sadly she forgot to tell him that a few hundred years earlier she had thought they were dull as dishwater.

At the end of his tether Eöl employed some seriously dodgy parenting tactics.

"Do as I say or I will tie you up."

Eöl, you just can't get away with that kind of thing, however tempting it may be.

(Because seriously, who out there with Teenagers hasn't wished they could do that...just once!)

Then came the day Eöl was called away on dwarf visiting he just couldn't get out of.

" Maeglin, you're grounded" he said, trying some tough love." You will stay here and do that Forging homework assignment you haven't even bothered starting. No dwarf visiting for you"

In retrospect this was a major error.

For all of them.

Maybe he should have persisted with the tying up idea after all.


	22. Turgon loses his train of Thought

Turgon liked a quiet life and things had been oh so lovely and quiet in Gondolin since Aredhel had done a runner.

He was as happy as he could ever be, ( given that he had a tendency to pessimism). A lovely secret city, far, far away from those nasty over dramatic Fëanorians and that...Finrod, ( the less Turgon thought about him the better.) Surely nothing could go wrong now.

Oh yes it could Turgon.

It all started with a happy family reunion. After a few hundred years being missing Aredhel turned up. It was every fathers (or big brothers) nightmare. She turned up with a mystery child in tow and no husband to be seen.

Turgon said " It's great to see you sister. We have missed you so much."

Turgon thought " For Gods sake, Why did she choose to come back to bother me. Could she not have gone to Fingon's place for a change"

Aredhel introduced her mysterious, surly, monosyllabic son.

Turgon said " Any son of yours will be welcome in our family"

Turgon thought "As if I didn't have enough problems with my own know it all, sanctimonious daughter now I am going to be landed with her uncooperative, antisocial son. What am I going to do?... Perhaps I could send these guys to Finrod, he is very friendly... Then I could go and visit...Stop! Stop thinking about Finrod! ...but his hair is so golden..."

Ok Turgon's attention has obviously wandered.

Just then Eöl was dragged into the room. Having been captured trying to get into the city they then bought him in themselves. (Something seems wrong there)

He protested loudly about Turgon kidnapping his wife and son.

Turgon said " Any husband of Aredhel's is a Brother in Law of mine. You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave."

Turgon thought. " Thank God, she has a husband. She is not my problem any more! ...but this means I can't ship her off to Finrod ...so I don't have a reason to visit him... Not that I want to. There is no one I less want to visit than Finrod... STOP thinking about Finrod!"

Luckily for Turgon a commotion dragged him back to reality.

Eöl didn't like the thought of Eternity in Gondolin living with all his annoying wife's tedious relations. Who can blame him. When Maeglin refused to leave with him he took the tough love thing too far and shot him with a cunningly concealed javelin. Because when you are chasing your runaway wife and son across country that's what you take with you... A javelin. Eöl obviously had the same " How to Pack for Secret Missions" handbook as Fingon, ( remember the harp!)

Unfortunately Aredhel chose that moment to behave like a mother and stepped in front of her son.

All descended into chaos.

Aredhel died,

Eöl was imprisoned and thrown off a cliff,

Maeglin stared moodily throughout the whole incident

and Turgon saw his hopes of a visit to Finrod disappear...not that he ever wanted to go in the first place.

At the end of this sorry tale I have one question. Doesn't pushing Eöl off a cliff mean Turgon and his folk are now Kinslayers? I mean Eöl = Elf = Dead= Kinslaying . Or is it just Fëanorians carrying swords that applies to.

Seems slightly unfair to me.


End file.
